Attention Sonos iOS App "Developers" (and I use that term loosely),

Congratulations! You've achieved the impossible - pushing me to the brink of sanity and onto a community forum. Bravo!

To the illustrious team behind this digital masterpiece: have you considered a career change? Perhaps to something more suited to your talents, like professional crayon testers or professional line-standers? Because let's face it, your current output wouldn't impress a toddler with a Fisher-Price toy phone.

Your app updates, arriving with the frequency of Halley's Comet, are less "new release" and more "new reason to question human evolution." I've seen more advanced technology in a potato clock.

So here's a novel idea: why not invest in some basic iOS training? Or better yet, invest in a time machine, go back to high school, and pay attention this time. Because right now, your app is the digital equivalent of a flip-flop in a marathon - utterly useless and painfully out of place.

In conclusion, for the love of all things audible, please find a new calling. Preferably one that doesn't involve coding, user interfaces, or anything requiring more technical skill than a spoon. Your current work should be buried deeper than my will to live after using your app.

Sincerely,
A user whose patience has left the building (much like your coding skills)